Firstly, I must apologise in advance. It's currently 9:46 AM, and I haven't been to sleep yet, so excuse me if the review makes no sense. In fact, I almost typed "nose sense" just then instead of "no sense". Maybe not a good idea to be writing a blog then, but I'll persevere. For my first random review, I picked a PS2 game I recently bought for a mere £2 from a store called CEX which sells pre-owned electrical items, games and DVD's among them. I've wanted this game for many years now and decided to finally grab it.
The game sees you play as a mysterious man called Grave, who is technically dead. He is basically a walking tank that can destroy entire waves of enemies by himself, with the downside that his blood needs to be exchanged regularly, otherwise his body would shut down. The story begins in an unnamed city which is being taken over by a gang known as The Syndicate. Their leader, Harry McDowell, is attempting to take over the city. Grave however, doesn't want this to happen: He used to be a former member of The Syndicate you see, that is until good ol' Harry decided to kill Grave 15 years ago. Cue Grave taking his two guns (that he calls Cerberus) and killing roughly 2'000'000'000'000 people in the game.
The game is a hark back to the days of old, when shooters were about hammering fire as much as possible and laughing at how many points you got awarded. It isn't subtle, it certainly isn't very clever, but my god is it fun! Grave is an absolute beast, laughing in the face of trivial weapons such as rocket launchers and machine guns and handing out bullets like they were candy. By "handing out", I of course mean "firing lots of". The controls are simple and well laid out: Square is fire, X is Jump, O is Run, Triangle activates a special ability called "Demolition Shots", which are basically power-ups you earn by shooting people and objects in the environment, L1 is lock-on, L2 is to turn 180°, and R1 is to hit any enemies in the vicinity with the coffin strapped to Grave's back. Simple, but effective. The camera can't actually be controlled manually, meaning some occasional tricky moments, but it's manageable, and certainly does not detract from the action.
The graphics are very surprising. I would even describe them as fantastic. The game is very clearly illustrated by some talented people. In fact, the creator of the "Trigun" Japanese animé series, Yasuhiro Nightow, is responsible for the excellent character designs seen in the game. Grave in particular has a great design, his face conveying a stony look only an undead mute with no feelings could wear. The enemies, considering they get about 0.2 seconds of screen time each before Grave shoots them 50 times, look decent, and the environments are very well varied and nicely designed, with some very nice contrasts between the outdoor scenes and indoor scenes.
The games downsides are pretty much as follows: Firstly, the game is hilariously short, clocking in at about 3 hours at the most. 45 minutes is probably easily achievable on a 2nd or 3rd completion as well. As mentioned earlier, the camera is a little erratic, and considering there's a right analog stick not controlling anything they could have used for camera movement, it's odd the camera is locked like it is. The game is also pretty easy, so it's unlikely you'll get stuck at any one point. These flaws don't detract too much from the experience however, thanks to the generous extras you can unlock, such as a 3D character gallery and early sketches of the characters. And let's face it: Contra is considered a classic, and that game is also extremely short as well.
Gungrave then, is well worth your time. Yes the game is easy. Yes it's very repetitive. Yes, it's as subtle as The Big Show farting. Yes, it's extremely short with no real challenge. And yes, the camera is erratic. And you know what? I enjoyed every bloody second of it.
Pooman's verdict: 8/10
Recommended
I should also point out a animé series based on the game was created. In fact they made 24 episodes, so the games surprisingly deep story is elaborated on much further. Could be worth a look if you enjoyed the game.
Friday, 28 January 2011
Thursday, 13 January 2011
10 of the worst games I've ever played
I'm sure you have been there in the past. You've bought a game, whether it was on a whim or whether you were waiting for it to come out, and it's turned out to be a bag of excrement to attempt to play. Now I can believe it is difficult developing a video game. I respect game developers, especially the people who create amazing games and series such as Metal Gear Solid or Fallout 3. However, how some games make it on to the market I'll never fathom. Let's start the countdown shall we? Note these games are in no particular order:
10 - Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty (PS3)
This game had a lot of potential. A decent alternative timeline storyline in which Winston Churchill is killed in the 1930's and therefore the German's invade Britain is a nice, if controversial, idea. The execution however, was dog shit. Shitty graphics, some of the worst enemy AI I've ever witnessed and shoddy controls combined to ensure that this interesting premise was ruined and smashed on the floor.
9 - FIFA 11 (PS3)
The epitome of disappointment. I am a big football fan (soccer to the North American crowd out there) and FIFA 09 remains one of my all time favourite sport games. So after getting both this and Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 for Christmas, I assumed they would share equal time in my PS3. Oh, how wrong I was. Konami has spanked EA this year, delivering a genuinely fun football game which effortlessly pisses all over the slowly decaying corpse of the once great FIFA series. EA's idea of improvements is not fixing any of the problems found in FIFA's of old and instead exacerbating the issues by making it excessively difficult to score. Oh, also the ball has the same physics engine as the Blitzball minigame from Final Fantasy X. Awful, awful game. Thank god for PES.
8 - WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It (PS2)
The first PS2 Smackdown game. What could go wrong? Everything. The wrestlers look like they are covered in baby oil, their arms often go THROUGH the ropes, the story mode lasted about 24 seconds, the game had LESS wrestlers than the Smackdown game before it, the graphics were mediocre and the commentary was hilariously awful. Oh, did I mention it took up almost half a memory card just to save your data?
7 - Action 52 (NES)
Famous for it's awfulness, this game actually cost 200$ when it was first released. I would rather buy a bag of Pee Wee Herman's semen than this game for that price. Of the 52 games, a grand total of 1 is entertaining. That isn't the worst part however. No, the worst part is the huge scam Active Enterprises pulled on everyone who bought this game. Not only did it play like a sachet of Hulk Hogan's vomit, they advertised a contest to win $104'000 for anyone who got to level 5 of god awful platformer Ooze. The problem? The game crashed around level 3 and therefore it was impossible to get to level 5.
6 - Mortal Kombat: Mythologies of Sub Zero (PS1)
A side scrolling platformer with 2D graphics? Check. Unnecessarily complex control scheme? Check. Voice acting that destroys the ears of anyone who hears it? Check. Mythologies was one of the almost fatal blows that ensured the MK series would be knocking on Death's door for years to come. The game had no purpose for existing whatsoever, it added nothing new to the genre or indeed the series and almost all of it's features were poorly implemented. Oh, also to turn around you have to press a button. Now try fighting 2 guys, 1 on either side of the screen. Fun isn't it? Oh wait. It isn't.
5 - Time Crisis 4 (PS3)
Remember when Namco used to be good? You know, Pacman, Tekken, Time Crisis? Sadly, those days are long gone. With Pacman jumping the shark years ago, Tekken following up on the excellent 5 with a merely average 6th instalment and Time Crisis in limbo, it's no wonder Namco are a shadow of their old self. Time Crisis was a great premise for a lightgun game, and yet so simple. The fantastic 2nd game was followed up by a very good 3rd, and it looked as 4 would continue the good streak. Sadly, the game was a confusing mess, with no semblance of a plot and a terrible new enemy which basically consists of robot insects. Yes, really. Some advice for Namco: Stick to what you know. Lightgun games are pretty simple to create, just give us balanced difficulty and plenty of explosions. No more robot ants next time please. Thank you.
4 - Resident Evil 5 (PS3)
The Resident Evil series is famous for many things: Zombies, loads of spin-offs and more comebacks than Elvis. With the magnificent sequel that was Resident Evil 4, Capcom had a tremendous chance to rebuild the franchise after years of bad decisions. However, they undid all of their good work previously with RE5, one of the most disappointing sequels I have ever played. The graphics could not make up for the poorly designed Co-op, lack of new features and the endless rehashing of enemies and scenarios from 4. Not only that, but the plot is laughable in it's needless complexity and the final boss fight is a shambles that sees your character, Chris, PUNCHING A BOULDER. STUPIDEST. SCENE. EVER.
3 - Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days (PS3)
One day a small developer created a game called "Hitman: Codename 47" and followed this up with 3 fantastic sequels, and life was good. Then they decided to diversify, starting with 2004 shooter Freedom Fighters (I recommend this game) and 2007's Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. While K&L1 had it's flaws, the game still remained entertaining and overall is worth a go. The sequel however, undoes anything the original did well and instead goes down a decidedly schizophrenic route. The controls remain an issue in K&L2, but they are made 100 times worse by the ridiculous camera, which will not stay fucking still. Seriously. It's as though Michael J Fox is filming you with his early 90's Panasonic. Not only that, but the mere fact the cover system doesn't work correctly will combine to give the player an aneurysm. Just do yourself a favour and get Freedom Fighters or K&L1. In fact, buy anything else. Just not this.
2 - Tomb Raider: The Angel Of Darkness (PS2)
Good lord. What is this!? The controls are WORSE than the PS1 games!? There's a stealth section!? THIS DREADLOCK SPORTING MORON IS THE CO-STAR!? ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
^Written above is pretty much my reaction to playing this abortion. I can safely say this mess is the reason we now have Tomb Raider games with no personality. Core Design's swansong for the series, Angel Of Darkness is an example of what can happen when greed overtakes creativity. I don't think it's a coincidence that AOD developers Core Design and publisher Eidos are no more when they released crap like this. (Eidos are still around. Sort of. Square Enix purchased them and will be closing their studio down soon.)
1 - Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (PS2)
I am a big Splinter Cell fan. The first game was the first serious competitor to the MGS series, deciding to scrap the outlandish plot and over the top cut scenes in favour of gritty realism and to-the-point gameplay. And it worked. Although not as good as the MGS games, it is a great alternative to them nonetheless. That is, apart from Pandora Tomorrow, the second game in the series. The idea to introduce a multiplayer online mode is fine in theory. The problem is twofold. Firstly, the PS2 online scene was a joke and a failed experiment on Sony's part. Secondly, it led to the offline crowd getting the most lazy single player campaign possible. The game has no creativity whatsoever. Not only that, they replaced Lambert's voice actor with the president from 24, despite him sounding completely different to the original actor. It boils down to a Barry White soundalike shouting in your ear whilst you trot around boring maps, doing dull objectives with the same problems as the first game but with unfair AI on top of that. Combine that with the downright bullshit alert system and what do you have? Frustration. Fuck you, Barry White soundalike. Just fuck you.
10 - Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty (PS3)
This game had a lot of potential. A decent alternative timeline storyline in which Winston Churchill is killed in the 1930's and therefore the German's invade Britain is a nice, if controversial, idea. The execution however, was dog shit. Shitty graphics, some of the worst enemy AI I've ever witnessed and shoddy controls combined to ensure that this interesting premise was ruined and smashed on the floor.
9 - FIFA 11 (PS3)
The epitome of disappointment. I am a big football fan (soccer to the North American crowd out there) and FIFA 09 remains one of my all time favourite sport games. So after getting both this and Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 for Christmas, I assumed they would share equal time in my PS3. Oh, how wrong I was. Konami has spanked EA this year, delivering a genuinely fun football game which effortlessly pisses all over the slowly decaying corpse of the once great FIFA series. EA's idea of improvements is not fixing any of the problems found in FIFA's of old and instead exacerbating the issues by making it excessively difficult to score. Oh, also the ball has the same physics engine as the Blitzball minigame from Final Fantasy X. Awful, awful game. Thank god for PES.
8 - WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It (PS2)
The first PS2 Smackdown game. What could go wrong? Everything. The wrestlers look like they are covered in baby oil, their arms often go THROUGH the ropes, the story mode lasted about 24 seconds, the game had LESS wrestlers than the Smackdown game before it, the graphics were mediocre and the commentary was hilariously awful. Oh, did I mention it took up almost half a memory card just to save your data?
7 - Action 52 (NES)
Famous for it's awfulness, this game actually cost 200$ when it was first released. I would rather buy a bag of Pee Wee Herman's semen than this game for that price. Of the 52 games, a grand total of 1 is entertaining. That isn't the worst part however. No, the worst part is the huge scam Active Enterprises pulled on everyone who bought this game. Not only did it play like a sachet of Hulk Hogan's vomit, they advertised a contest to win $104'000 for anyone who got to level 5 of god awful platformer Ooze. The problem? The game crashed around level 3 and therefore it was impossible to get to level 5.
6 - Mortal Kombat: Mythologies of Sub Zero (PS1)
A side scrolling platformer with 2D graphics? Check. Unnecessarily complex control scheme? Check. Voice acting that destroys the ears of anyone who hears it? Check. Mythologies was one of the almost fatal blows that ensured the MK series would be knocking on Death's door for years to come. The game had no purpose for existing whatsoever, it added nothing new to the genre or indeed the series and almost all of it's features were poorly implemented. Oh, also to turn around you have to press a button. Now try fighting 2 guys, 1 on either side of the screen. Fun isn't it? Oh wait. It isn't.
5 - Time Crisis 4 (PS3)
Remember when Namco used to be good? You know, Pacman, Tekken, Time Crisis? Sadly, those days are long gone. With Pacman jumping the shark years ago, Tekken following up on the excellent 5 with a merely average 6th instalment and Time Crisis in limbo, it's no wonder Namco are a shadow of their old self. Time Crisis was a great premise for a lightgun game, and yet so simple. The fantastic 2nd game was followed up by a very good 3rd, and it looked as 4 would continue the good streak. Sadly, the game was a confusing mess, with no semblance of a plot and a terrible new enemy which basically consists of robot insects. Yes, really. Some advice for Namco: Stick to what you know. Lightgun games are pretty simple to create, just give us balanced difficulty and plenty of explosions. No more robot ants next time please. Thank you.
4 - Resident Evil 5 (PS3)
The Resident Evil series is famous for many things: Zombies, loads of spin-offs and more comebacks than Elvis. With the magnificent sequel that was Resident Evil 4, Capcom had a tremendous chance to rebuild the franchise after years of bad decisions. However, they undid all of their good work previously with RE5, one of the most disappointing sequels I have ever played. The graphics could not make up for the poorly designed Co-op, lack of new features and the endless rehashing of enemies and scenarios from 4. Not only that, but the plot is laughable in it's needless complexity and the final boss fight is a shambles that sees your character, Chris, PUNCHING A BOULDER. STUPIDEST. SCENE. EVER.
3 - Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days (PS3)
One day a small developer created a game called "Hitman: Codename 47" and followed this up with 3 fantastic sequels, and life was good. Then they decided to diversify, starting with 2004 shooter Freedom Fighters (I recommend this game) and 2007's Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. While K&L1 had it's flaws, the game still remained entertaining and overall is worth a go. The sequel however, undoes anything the original did well and instead goes down a decidedly schizophrenic route. The controls remain an issue in K&L2, but they are made 100 times worse by the ridiculous camera, which will not stay fucking still. Seriously. It's as though Michael J Fox is filming you with his early 90's Panasonic. Not only that, but the mere fact the cover system doesn't work correctly will combine to give the player an aneurysm. Just do yourself a favour and get Freedom Fighters or K&L1. In fact, buy anything else. Just not this.
2 - Tomb Raider: The Angel Of Darkness (PS2)
Good lord. What is this!? The controls are WORSE than the PS1 games!? There's a stealth section!? THIS DREADLOCK SPORTING MORON IS THE CO-STAR!? ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
^Written above is pretty much my reaction to playing this abortion. I can safely say this mess is the reason we now have Tomb Raider games with no personality. Core Design's swansong for the series, Angel Of Darkness is an example of what can happen when greed overtakes creativity. I don't think it's a coincidence that AOD developers Core Design and publisher Eidos are no more when they released crap like this. (Eidos are still around. Sort of. Square Enix purchased them and will be closing their studio down soon.)
1 - Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (PS2)
I am a big Splinter Cell fan. The first game was the first serious competitor to the MGS series, deciding to scrap the outlandish plot and over the top cut scenes in favour of gritty realism and to-the-point gameplay. And it worked. Although not as good as the MGS games, it is a great alternative to them nonetheless. That is, apart from Pandora Tomorrow, the second game in the series. The idea to introduce a multiplayer online mode is fine in theory. The problem is twofold. Firstly, the PS2 online scene was a joke and a failed experiment on Sony's part. Secondly, it led to the offline crowd getting the most lazy single player campaign possible. The game has no creativity whatsoever. Not only that, they replaced Lambert's voice actor with the president from 24, despite him sounding completely different to the original actor. It boils down to a Barry White soundalike shouting in your ear whilst you trot around boring maps, doing dull objectives with the same problems as the first game but with unfair AI on top of that. Combine that with the downright bullshit alert system and what do you have? Frustration. Fuck you, Barry White soundalike. Just fuck you.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Why attempting to sell your home sucks
For my first post on here I figured I'd address something that really gets on my nerves: Selling your house.
So, for backstory, I've lived in my current house since 2001, and I like it here. My room is a decent size, the area is relatively quiet, and I know where everything is. It feels familiar. Comfortable. My mother however, disagrees, saying the house has "bad memories" and "we have to downsize". Now this is the part that puzzles me. I can understand why downsizing is necessary. After all, it's just me, my mum and my dog in our 3 bedroomed house. Therefore, it makes sense to move to a smaller home, especially since I'll probably be moving within 2 years or so. It's the bad memories argument that irritates me.
The bad memories will not go away. They are not attached to a load of bricks, and they certainly won't be suppressed just by moving slightly down the road. I just cannot understand how memories can be attached in this way to what is essentially a building. But that isn't the worst part of selling. No, the worst part is the ignorant bastards who walk into your house.
I can tolerate leaving them doors open when they leave a room. I can just about tolerate the snide comments such as "this room is quite small" or "I don't like laminate flooring". But I will not have some snobbish idiot attempting to use their vocabulary to drive down the price to an almost laughable level. Who on earth would sell a 3 bedroomed house for the same price as most 2 bedroomed houses sell for in worst parts of the city? And the worse thing is, they actually have a chance. My mum has a problem, and that is she actually still has faith in the human race. I don't think she realises that most, if not all people, are selfish bastards who will do everything they can to take from others and give nothing back. Humans are selfish in nature, and that is something we cannot avoid.
Now I'm not suggesting you embrace the selfishness of humanity. I simply suggest you do everything you can to fight for what you need, and next time someone tries to tell you different, don't let them. That isn't selfishness, that is merely looking after number 1. Just remember, number 2 may let you down, but that is irrelevant if number 1 stays strong.
So, for backstory, I've lived in my current house since 2001, and I like it here. My room is a decent size, the area is relatively quiet, and I know where everything is. It feels familiar. Comfortable. My mother however, disagrees, saying the house has "bad memories" and "we have to downsize". Now this is the part that puzzles me. I can understand why downsizing is necessary. After all, it's just me, my mum and my dog in our 3 bedroomed house. Therefore, it makes sense to move to a smaller home, especially since I'll probably be moving within 2 years or so. It's the bad memories argument that irritates me.
The bad memories will not go away. They are not attached to a load of bricks, and they certainly won't be suppressed just by moving slightly down the road. I just cannot understand how memories can be attached in this way to what is essentially a building. But that isn't the worst part of selling. No, the worst part is the ignorant bastards who walk into your house.
I can tolerate leaving them doors open when they leave a room. I can just about tolerate the snide comments such as "this room is quite small" or "I don't like laminate flooring". But I will not have some snobbish idiot attempting to use their vocabulary to drive down the price to an almost laughable level. Who on earth would sell a 3 bedroomed house for the same price as most 2 bedroomed houses sell for in worst parts of the city? And the worse thing is, they actually have a chance. My mum has a problem, and that is she actually still has faith in the human race. I don't think she realises that most, if not all people, are selfish bastards who will do everything they can to take from others and give nothing back. Humans are selfish in nature, and that is something we cannot avoid.
Now I'm not suggesting you embrace the selfishness of humanity. I simply suggest you do everything you can to fight for what you need, and next time someone tries to tell you different, don't let them. That isn't selfishness, that is merely looking after number 1. Just remember, number 2 may let you down, but that is irrelevant if number 1 stays strong.
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