I'm sure you have been there in the past. You've bought a game, whether it was on a whim or whether you were waiting for it to come out, and it's turned out to be a bag of excrement to attempt to play. Now I can believe it is difficult developing a video game. I respect game developers, especially the people who create amazing games and series such as Metal Gear Solid or Fallout 3. However, how some games make it on to the market I'll never fathom. Let's start the countdown shall we? Note these games are in no particular order:
10 - Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty (PS3)
This game had a lot of potential. A decent alternative timeline storyline in which Winston Churchill is killed in the 1930's and therefore the German's invade Britain is a nice, if controversial, idea. The execution however, was dog shit. Shitty graphics, some of the worst enemy AI I've ever witnessed and shoddy controls combined to ensure that this interesting premise was ruined and smashed on the floor.
9 - FIFA 11 (PS3)
The epitome of disappointment. I am a big football fan (soccer to the North American crowd out there) and FIFA 09 remains one of my all time favourite sport games. So after getting both this and Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 for Christmas, I assumed they would share equal time in my PS3. Oh, how wrong I was. Konami has spanked EA this year, delivering a genuinely fun football game which effortlessly pisses all over the slowly decaying corpse of the once great FIFA series. EA's idea of improvements is not fixing any of the problems found in FIFA's of old and instead exacerbating the issues by making it excessively difficult to score. Oh, also the ball has the same physics engine as the Blitzball minigame from Final Fantasy X. Awful, awful game. Thank god for PES.
8 - WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It (PS2)
The first PS2 Smackdown game. What could go wrong? Everything. The wrestlers look like they are covered in baby oil, their arms often go THROUGH the ropes, the story mode lasted about 24 seconds, the game had LESS wrestlers than the Smackdown game before it, the graphics were mediocre and the commentary was hilariously awful. Oh, did I mention it took up almost half a memory card just to save your data?
7 - Action 52 (NES)
Famous for it's awfulness, this game actually cost 200$ when it was first released. I would rather buy a bag of Pee Wee Herman's semen than this game for that price. Of the 52 games, a grand total of 1 is entertaining. That isn't the worst part however. No, the worst part is the huge scam Active Enterprises pulled on everyone who bought this game. Not only did it play like a sachet of Hulk Hogan's vomit, they advertised a contest to win $104'000 for anyone who got to level 5 of god awful platformer Ooze. The problem? The game crashed around level 3 and therefore it was impossible to get to level 5.
6 - Mortal Kombat: Mythologies of Sub Zero (PS1)
A side scrolling platformer with 2D graphics? Check. Unnecessarily complex control scheme? Check. Voice acting that destroys the ears of anyone who hears it? Check. Mythologies was one of the almost fatal blows that ensured the MK series would be knocking on Death's door for years to come. The game had no purpose for existing whatsoever, it added nothing new to the genre or indeed the series and almost all of it's features were poorly implemented. Oh, also to turn around you have to press a button. Now try fighting 2 guys, 1 on either side of the screen. Fun isn't it? Oh wait. It isn't.
5 - Time Crisis 4 (PS3)
Remember when Namco used to be good? You know, Pacman, Tekken, Time Crisis? Sadly, those days are long gone. With Pacman jumping the shark years ago, Tekken following up on the excellent 5 with a merely average 6th instalment and Time Crisis in limbo, it's no wonder Namco are a shadow of their old self. Time Crisis was a great premise for a lightgun game, and yet so simple. The fantastic 2nd game was followed up by a very good 3rd, and it looked as 4 would continue the good streak. Sadly, the game was a confusing mess, with no semblance of a plot and a terrible new enemy which basically consists of robot insects. Yes, really. Some advice for Namco: Stick to what you know. Lightgun games are pretty simple to create, just give us balanced difficulty and plenty of explosions. No more robot ants next time please. Thank you.
4 - Resident Evil 5 (PS3)
The Resident Evil series is famous for many things: Zombies, loads of spin-offs and more comebacks than Elvis. With the magnificent sequel that was Resident Evil 4, Capcom had a tremendous chance to rebuild the franchise after years of bad decisions. However, they undid all of their good work previously with RE5, one of the most disappointing sequels I have ever played. The graphics could not make up for the poorly designed Co-op, lack of new features and the endless rehashing of enemies and scenarios from 4. Not only that, but the plot is laughable in it's needless complexity and the final boss fight is a shambles that sees your character, Chris, PUNCHING A BOULDER. STUPIDEST. SCENE. EVER.
3 - Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days (PS3)
One day a small developer created a game called "Hitman: Codename 47" and followed this up with 3 fantastic sequels, and life was good. Then they decided to diversify, starting with 2004 shooter Freedom Fighters (I recommend this game) and 2007's Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. While K&L1 had it's flaws, the game still remained entertaining and overall is worth a go. The sequel however, undoes anything the original did well and instead goes down a decidedly schizophrenic route. The controls remain an issue in K&L2, but they are made 100 times worse by the ridiculous camera, which will not stay fucking still. Seriously. It's as though Michael J Fox is filming you with his early 90's Panasonic. Not only that, but the mere fact the cover system doesn't work correctly will combine to give the player an aneurysm. Just do yourself a favour and get Freedom Fighters or K&L1. In fact, buy anything else. Just not this.
2 - Tomb Raider: The Angel Of Darkness (PS2)
Good lord. What is this!? The controls are WORSE than the PS1 games!? There's a stealth section!? THIS DREADLOCK SPORTING MORON IS THE CO-STAR!? ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
^Written above is pretty much my reaction to playing this abortion. I can safely say this mess is the reason we now have Tomb Raider games with no personality. Core Design's swansong for the series, Angel Of Darkness is an example of what can happen when greed overtakes creativity. I don't think it's a coincidence that AOD developers Core Design and publisher Eidos are no more when they released crap like this. (Eidos are still around. Sort of. Square Enix purchased them and will be closing their studio down soon.)
1 - Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (PS2)
I am a big Splinter Cell fan. The first game was the first serious competitor to the MGS series, deciding to scrap the outlandish plot and over the top cut scenes in favour of gritty realism and to-the-point gameplay. And it worked. Although not as good as the MGS games, it is a great alternative to them nonetheless. That is, apart from Pandora Tomorrow, the second game in the series. The idea to introduce a multiplayer online mode is fine in theory. The problem is twofold. Firstly, the PS2 online scene was a joke and a failed experiment on Sony's part. Secondly, it led to the offline crowd getting the most lazy single player campaign possible. The game has no creativity whatsoever. Not only that, they replaced Lambert's voice actor with the president from 24, despite him sounding completely different to the original actor. It boils down to a Barry White soundalike shouting in your ear whilst you trot around boring maps, doing dull objectives with the same problems as the first game but with unfair AI on top of that. Combine that with the downright bullshit alert system and what do you have? Frustration. Fuck you, Barry White soundalike. Just fuck you.
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